FAREWELL, ST JEROMES

If we were to write an honest account of St Jeromes history, it'd look like this:

She ______ up onto the ____, wearing _____ than a _____ and a _____. _______ reggae was booming from the speakers and ______ need to make the ____ of it. ______ realised the spectacle _____ missing out on and ___ to _________. Shot after shot of _____, _____ and ____, this girl _____ wasn't stopping _______. This was a _______ Saturday _______ until ___________! The girl missed her ___ and ____ down, tearing ___________ ____ with her. A ______ night of drinkers, __________ and reggae turned into _____ a smashed up ________ on the venue's ______.

There's a lot of dirt on the little Caledonian Lane bar. One time, a girl danced on the bar so hard she fell off and pulled the entire sound system down with her (don't worry, no one was really hurt except for a bunch of Best of Prince CDs). St Jeromes evolved from not much more than a trestle table and a few milk crates to an internationally recognised hotbed of beautiful people and boozy nights - and after six years, it closed its doors last week. One employee remembered his favourite shift behind the bar: "Laneway cricket was the best. A week later there were posters up about it but the moment was over. That day was the only day for laneway cricket."

St Jeromes was famous for 'somehow working'. The bathrooms were far from perfect and, hell, getting there in the first place required running the gauntlet of laneway bins. Despite the stench, inside and out, St Jeromes was like an old reliable friend: rough around the edges, but always there for you. It was unashamedly crummy and well aware that its charm relied on that whole have-low-expectations-and-you'll-always-be-impressed thing. One bartender, Myles, recalled, "it was great when older ladies came in all frocked-up and ordering champagne. We'd serve it to them in a polystyrene cup and they were like, 'uh, are you serious?' and we'd say 'uh, yeah, we're serious.'" Another bartender, Liege, simply said: "yeah, better not quote me on anything."

Last week St Jerome's packed up the milk crates, served as much leftover booze as humanly possible and shut up shop. Fingers crossed for another venue that's dingy and beloved in equal parts.

PROFILE:

CHARLOTTE, MANAGER AT PUSHKA

What does Pushka mean?
The original owner, Tim, called his cat 'Pushka' when he was a kid. He couldn't pronounce the words 'pussy cat'. It also means 'canon' in Russian, apparently.

And what's its history? Tim was scouting different venues around Melbourne and loved this space. It was once Mitten Kitten, a lingerie store. It was up for lease, he applied and got it. When he got the news he ran to the bank and begged them for money. He got the café before he was ready for it but somehow made it work!

And what is it like today?
The idea behind Pushka was that it was hidden, where people could get incredible service and drink an amazing cup of coffee but still feel kind of casual. Jerome and I are working together to preserve this.

What's your favourite part of the job?
The customers. The best of everyone come in and you end up developing vague and interesting relationships with them. It wasn't ever for a particular clientele; just for anyone who needed to hide away from the rest of the city. There are a few older couples that come in and we swear they're having affairs. Pushka is a perfect place to take your mistress!

Who's your favourite customer?
There's one guy - and his girlfriend, too - who has been coming in forever. He comes in for the same thing every single day. He's incredibly supportive of me. Sometimes he'll even go out and buy the newspapers if I've forgotten to pick them up myself.

What's a funny conversation you've heard in the café?
Well, I can think of one... they were discussing bestiality and necrophilia and wondering what it would be called if they were combined...

My god...
... and whether it'd be legal...

That is so weird.
Yeah, it was really weird.

Onto more tasteful topics! What's your favourite album you play in the store.
Probably Magnetic Fields's 69 Love Songs. You can play it for hours and never touch the stereo!

Do you have future plans for Pushka?
Preserving the reason it started. It's really special to a lot of people and it's become a Melbourne icon. I know we can retain that - we just want to keep it unique.

Pushka, 20 Presgrave Place, city
Monday - Friday: 8pm-6pm
Saturday - Sunday: 9am-5pm